Many people use the term ghosting when they send a cold LOI to someone, or start talking about potential work, and they never hear back.

And it makes me cringe each and every time. And just so we are all on the same page with the meaning, the online dictionary defines ghosting as “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.”  

I personally do not consider someone not responding to your cold LOI as ghosting. And I don’t even consider it rude for them not to get back with you. When you approach someone cold, then in my opinion they have no obligation to respond. Sure, it’s nice if they do, but I try to have zero expectations with LOIs and simply be thrilled with any response.

But I hear writers talk about ghosting both from cold LOIs and potential clients that they are in talks with. With so many of us focused on marketing as part of the Winter Marketing Challenge, I thought this was a great time to talk about ghosting. But to me, it’s more than just not liking the word. I think that when writers use the word, it often makes freelancing more stressful and frustrating.

Here are my main issues with the word:

Writers often use the term when it’s only been a few days or a week

Almost weekly a writer posts on the Freelance Content Marketing group some version of this scenario – I sent over my proposal or rates and now the client is ghosting me. But when I start asking questions, I often learn that they just sent the proposal on Friday and now it’s Tuesday. Or it’s been a week, but it was over a holiday.

My response is that it’s been a very short time. The business world can move slow, much slower than we freelancers like. If you hear back sooner than three weeks on anything, you should be happy. And sooner than that, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought. You likely just haven’t heard back yet. And even past three weeks, it’s not ghosting; I’ve heard back MONTHS later.

Yes, I know that when they contacted you that they said the project was urgent and kicking off in two seconds. And you are expecting the work now. But priorities can change. And projects hit roadblocks. And a million other things. It’s often hurry up and wait in the business world.

Calling it ghosting makes it feel more personal

When writers talk about ghosting, they are saying that the client ghosted THEM. And it reinforces the feeling to the writer that not hearing back was because of something that the writer did or something personal toward the writer. There are a million reasons that you haven’t heard back – check out my post The Real Reason You Hear Crickets – and almost none have anything to do with you.

Yes, it’s natural for it to feel personal. I fight that feeling all the time. But you have to actively remind yourself that it’s business, and there is very likely a business reason. Otherwise, it’s easy to start feeling like a fraud, which is often my go-to place as well – read this post to know you’re not alone in this feeling.

What About When Someone Owes You Money?

All of that said, I do think that there is one situation where the term ghosting is appropriate and pretty accurate – when someone owes you money for work that you have already completed. Yeah, that’s ghosting. It’s usually for no other reason than they are not able to or don’t want to pay you. And though it’s usually related to a business reason, like not having the money, it’s pretty rotten to avoid someone. At the very least, they should respond and explain when to expect the money that you are owed.

What to Do Instead of Calling It Ghosting

Next time you start to call it ghosting or even feel like you have been ghosted, do the following three things.

1. Tell yourself that you haven’t heard from them YET. And most of the time it’s true. You usually will hear back. But it could be weeks or even months. When you reframe it this way, it’s easier to keep from getting frustrated and not take it personally.
2. Follow up. Sometimes emails get buried in people’s inboxes. And the project they are talking about with you gets pushed to the back of their mind. But resist the urge to never follow up because they are rude, or to contact them twice a day. It’s totally fine to send a quick follow-up about a week or two later for a project you have talked about. And maybe even a second follow-up a few weeks after that.
3. Get busy marketing. Instead of checking your inbox every 43 seconds, do something productive. I always say that if you are starting to panic or are focused on hearing back from one client, then it means you have time that you could spend marketing. The best way to distract yourself is to start hitting the virtual pavement. And then if you really do not ever hear back from that contact, you will very likely have replaced the client with another fabulous gig.

Yes, it’s OK to be a bit frustrated. But getting mad and blaming the client for being rude, or deciding that you are a fraud and that they hate you, really isn’t productive. And I know this because I’ve done both of these more times than I am going to admit in print.

So next time you are tempted to declare ghosting, stop and reframe your thoughts. Then get busy.